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by mansikka



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Light Angst, M/M, Pining Castiel, Pining Dean
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-04
Updated: 2016-02-04
Packaged: 2018-05-18 02:08:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,913
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5894014
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mansikka/pseuds/mansikka
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A mirrored look at Cas and Dean's misunderstandings.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Home

Dean had learned to hold on to his emotions. Hold on to them so tightly that they festered in his chest and spat out bitter words to safely mask what he was really feeling. This had served him very well as a hunter, allowing him to channel his hurt and rage at leaving and losing those he cared about along the way.

_Cas felt nothing but sadness every time he saw Dean reining his feelings in. He watched, helpless as Dean’s walls flew up and his words flew out, channelling the only emotion Dean allowed himself to feel, which wasn't even an emotion at all: ‘doing the right thing’. It usually manifested itself as anger._

Sam got to see some of those real emotions every now and then. Not without a fight though, and not without it being a life and death situation. It was testimony to how many life and death situations they’d faced that Sam was actually so well versed in Dean speak that said one thing but meant another entirely.

_When Dean’s walls went up Cas only had to glance at Sam to see his own frustration mirrored there. Sam might get to see Dean open up more than anyone else, and even more than Dean would actually like, but they’d been through so much together that it was only right that Sam saw sides of Dean that no one else ever got to see._

Cas, though. Cas was an entirely different thing altogether.

_Cas put up his own walls too. He had to, to keep himself in check. He couldn't watch Dean do this to himself again, and again, without these walls to fix a mask on. And if his own walls were up, his own feelings couldn't leak out. Not much, anyway._

Cas made him feel things. Made him want things he’d told himself he would never be entitled to have, that he’d never had the right to. Things that, in the darkness of night, he’d reveal in secret to his dead father, imagining the outcome in any number of ways. Rejection. Disgust. Dismissal. But never in acceptance, or happily ever after, or just plain happy.

_Cas knew that Dean would deny himself anything he truly wanted because he didn't feel he deserved it. All Cas wanted was for Dean to be safe, and happy. He wished Dean would let him be the one to make him happy but told himself over and over how selfish that was. Dean deserved the best of everything, and he, Cas, he had nothing really to offer Dean._

He wanted Cas. All of him. His friendship. His trust. His time. And though he had to whisper it to himself because this was a volatile emotion that did its best to erupt, he also wanted his love. All the kinds of love that were possible.

_Cas wanted Dean. Beyond anything. He’d never known want until he’d met Dean, and from that moment on, he’d never known not to want. Dean’s friendship was something he cherished, and his trust too, even if he had to keep breaking and re-earning it until it was a patched and leaking thing. Sometimes it was so hard. So, so hard, when Dean questioned why Cas was helping him, to not blurt out the obvious. To not tell him it was not only all for him, but all because he loved him._

He looked at Cas, and he felt the rage that brewed within him still to quiet. He looked at Cas, and the jolt of desire that flooded through him was so violent he didn't know how he was still upright instead of drowning in it. He looked at Cas, and the love that surged through him so brightly that it animated his every thought and movement made him believe for a moment it was something he could have. But would never ask for.

_Cas looked at Dean, and he felt at home. He felt all of the best and worst of human emotions in Dean’s presence. Jealousy when anyone looked his way. Lust when he caught glimpses of Dean changing his clothes, or changing oil, or changing lane. Anytime, really._

When Cas wasn't there, it was like all the lights had gone out. He was a hollow, grumpy shell that barked at Sam and whoever else happened to be around, wounded because Cas had left yet again.

_When Cas left he felt as though he was missing a part of his grace, which he told himself was stupid. But he felt empty, and unsettled, and on edge, unable to focus or do anything with full certainty until he was back with Dean. It pained him to leave, but what hurt him even more was that Dean never asked him to stay. If Cas thought for one moment that Dean felt even a fraction of what he felt himself, there would be nothing to ever keep him away. He already bent all the rules to come back as often as he could, because to be away, even though Dean didn't return his feelings, was just too painful._

Dean couldn't work out what was more painful; when Cas left unexpectedly with Dean having all kinds of things on the tip of his tongue that he was denied the chance of saying, or when he knew Cas was going and those same words refused to come to the surface.

_Cas was always torn when he left. He could only make excuses to stay so long. He could only build up hope that this would be the time Dean would ask him to stay. He was always disappointed. Sometimes he left without even so much as a goodbye, ‘ripping off the band aid’ he thought was the phrase. Other times he made his intent to leave obvious, giving Dean time to tell him to stick around. He was disappointed and hurt every single time._

This particular time Cas was leaving, Dean knew it advance.

_On this occasion, Cas told Dean when he was leaving._

Cas had announced on arrival that he couldn't stay long, that he had places to be, and problems to fix. Dean’s heart pounded, and ached, and longed to be able to have Cas around for longer than the duration of whatever current problem they had. For Cas to just stay.

_When he’d first arrived in the motel room, Cas had made it clear there was a timescale here. He had fought with himself, trying to stay away longer and longer, but it hadn't worked. He’d talked himself into giving Dean yet another one more chance, to see if he’d ask him to stay. To see if any of the feeling Cas had for Dean, Dean would return. Dean looked tenser than usual, and Cas had the sinking feeling that really, Dean didn't want him there at all._

In the end, it was Sam that forced the issue. Why was it always Sam?

_Sam dragged Dean outside to talk. It seemed that Sam didn't want him around either, and although that hurt, it didn't ache nearly as much as the thought of Dean sending him away._

Sam had rounded on Dean and demanded that he pull his head out of his ass before stomping and driving away. It took Dean several minutes to realise that Sam had even taken his car keys and he was now very much stranded alone at this godforsaken motel in the godforsaken middle of nowhere.

_Cas had long ago decided not to eavesdrop if he could help it, and so he heard the muffled yet raised voices of Sam and Dean outside. There was a crunch of gravel that indicated footsteps, the slamming of a car door, and the sound of Baby roaring away. Cas felt himself crumple; Dean didn't even want to say goodbye. Cas felt nothing but foolish; how could an angel of the lord have fallen so hard and so far for a human, especially one that would never, ever be able to love him back?_

Cas was stood where he and Sam had left him when Sam had dragged him outside to talk. Cas leaned against a long cabinet that doubled as a kitchen surface, arms crossed across his chest. He watched as Dean returned to the room and shut the door with his back, leaning against it in mirror to Cas.

_Cas did his best not to look surprised when it was Dean, not Sam, who returned to the motel room. He watched as Dean leaned back uncomfortably against the door in silence, tried hard to ignore the digging in his lower back from the surface he himself was against._

Dean took in a long, shaky sigh, closing his eyes to the rejection and pain he saw dancing in his imagination.

_Cas watched as a wave of emotions warred across Dean’s face and he breathed out awkwardly, eyes shut. Cas’ heart beat loud; was Dean working himself up to ask Cas to leave for good this time?_

“Stay.”

_Cas heard Dean speak, but it took a moment for the word to sink in._

“Dean?”

_Cas’ eyes flew up to Dean’s, doubting yet hoping that he’d heard that one, magical word that he’d been longing to hear for so long._

Dean opened his eyes then, walking slowly towards Cas.

_Dean walked towards him slowly, and Cas felt himself panic that he’d made another mistake. He was so sick of getting things wrong, of feeling things wrong, he couldn't take it much longer if-_

“Stay, Cas. Please. Can’t you just stay?”

_Surely Dean didn't mean what he thought he meant. Surely he meant something else entirely and Cas was misunderstanding yet again._

“Do you still need my help?”

_That’s all Dean could mean. He needed something from him._

“No, Cas. No help. I just need you. To stay. I need you.”

_This was too much. Dean… Dean couldn't need him. Not like he needed Dean. Not like he wanted Dean. It just couldn't be possible._

Cas remained silent, watching Dean come ever closer to him.

_Cas didn't want to move for fear of breaking the moment, and so he watched in silence as Dean stepped closer, and closer._

Dean let out another shaky breath and reached his hand out, hesitantly threading his fingers through Cas’. Cas started at his touch, but when he jolted in response, Dean gripped harder, and brought his other hand up to hold onto Cas’ shoulder. He leaned his full length against him until they breathed the same air.

_Cas looked down with a gasp at their entwined fingers, felt the heat from Dean’s other palm radiating across his shoulder. That feeling of home flushed through his entire being as Dean leaned into him completely, chest to chest._

“I need you, Cas.” Dean’s voice cracked and croaked, and his breath came out staggered as Cas’ eyes widened in understanding.

_Finally, finally, Cas allowed himself to believe that what he wanted most was happening. And it was happening right now. Dean wanted him. Dean needed him. Just as much as he wanted and needed Dean._

“Please…” was Dean’s final plea as he rested his forehead against Cas’, noses bumping as he dipped his chin so he could offer the lightest of kisses.

_Cas closed his eyes at the feel of Dean leaning his head down, the soft touch of his lips as gentle as he’d ever imagined._

“Please, Cas. Stay with me.”

_Home. Finally, Cas was home._


End file.
